Little Lessons

I feel like I’m being tested. Like the universe is saying, “Think you can handle six deadlines in a week? Well, here are three more assignments, due before Friday. And I’m sending your husband off on a business trip for two weeks. See if you can handle that.”

I’m not up for the challenge, but since I have no choice in the matter, I’m soldiering on. At least our savings are back up to pre-baby levels.

Last year, May 8 was Mother’s Day. It was the day we found out I was pregnant and the fact that I’d been falling asleep on my desk and had on at least one occasion blacked out, finally made sense. Now I’m sitting across from my four-month-old, who for the first time today, has held a rattle and discovered that he likes it. The shape, the noise, all new, all fascinating. He won’t let it go.

Watching him cling desperately to that rattle reminds me of the things I find hard to let go.

I’m currently reading the book When Everything Changes, Change Everything by Neale Donald Walsch. I picked it up several years ago when I was going through a rough time in my life and never really finished it.

The last month has been emotionally taxing. Some of my family and friends have been going through drastic life changes, traumas, and tragedies, and it’s been a few weeks of non-stop bad news arriving one after the other and while it has put life and a lot of pettiness in perspective, it’s also been a time of grieving. A good friend of mine lost her child recently; her daughter was only a couple of months younger than Jude. This news has brought me to my knees. I am shocked, I am angry. Sometimes breathing is difficult.

I decided to revisit this book again. I felt like I needed an anchor, some grounding. It has made me put my life under the microscope and decide whether certain situations, certain relationships, can go on the way they have in the past. Whether letting go with love, kindness and goodwill, even as it breaks my heart, may be the happier option for everyone involved.

There’s a line in the book that resonates with me: Change is an announcement that something is not working. Or to put it another way, if something’s not working, change it. Fix it. Or let it go.

Be the change. Create the change. Accept the change.

Sometimes, it’s the little lessons that are the hardest.

Why I Write

I belong to an online writing group of non-fiction writers who’re trying to finish their first novels. Some of us have been at it for over a year (*cough cough*), some for several years, and some for just a few weeks or months. Many are starting anew.

We decided, after a period of relative calmness, that it was time to dust off those pages and start again with new goals, new ideas, and new words. I am, as you know, trying to begin work on my novel again and this time, instead of lofty goals, I’ve decided on a reasonable target of 1,000 words a week.

We were discussing in our re-introductions to each other why each of us writes and it got me thinking about my reasons for writing non-fiction, my reasons for writing fiction, and my reasons for writing this blog.

No matter how I try to differentiate the non-fiction from the personal from the entirely fictional, it all comes down to this: I write because that is, essentially, how I make sense of the world.

It wasn’t always this way. Growing up, talking things through with my best friend was the only way I knew to calm myself. I found myself in trouble frequently, I got involved in drama often, and it was always my best friend’s calm exterior that managed to put me at ease. Her words soothed me.

As I’ve grown older and writing has become an integral part of my life, words still soothe me, but I find that often, they’re simply my own. Whenever I’m feeling stressed or upset about something, I write in my journal. I reason things out, I give voice to my feelings, I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m happy. I allow myself to simply let loose, to let those thoughts that are bouncing about in my head fall on to the page and be free.

I have heard from other people– writers and non-writers both– that just writing about a problem in their journal sometimes leads to several solutions. I’ve interviewed psychologists who advise patients to write down their feelings because letting it go in that way ensures that the bottled up emotions don’t one day erupt.

Writing brings a context to certain events, it gives shape to experiences, it allows me to explore feelings and thoughts I didn’t even know I had.

Why do I write? Because I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I didn’t.

Why do you write?

Reasons to Love Freelancing

Short-Term Sacrifices, Long-Term Gains

When I first returned to work in late February, a new-to-me editor sent me three rush assignments. These were not easy pieces and I had to spend an entire weekend getting them done at a time when I was just about getting the hang of this parenting thing. I took them on, not only because who doesn’t want editors sending you work when you’re back from maternity leave but also because I knew that if I did this, I would have lots more assignments coming my way from this client.

Short-term sacrifices can lead to long-term rewards. This morning I received four ready-made assignments from this editor who really liked the work I submitted back in March and wants me on board for a new project they’re going to launch later this year. They have a requirement of about 5,000 (very easy to write) words a week.

I’ve just added this client to my “Regulars” list. Two more to go.

Thank You

Every time I open myself up and allow myself to become vulnerable, I’m met with a flood of love, support, and commiseration.

There’s a lesson in this, which is that it’s not when you’re pretending your life is stress-free and perfect that people appreciate you, associate with you and feel connected to you, it’s when you pull down that imaginary armor and say, well, here’s me. This is what I’m going through. This is my life. These are my choices. For better or for worse.

Because deep inside, we’re all struggling with much of the same problems, the same day-to-day issues, the same emotional ups and downs. And when someone comes out and says, enough damn it, this is what’s going on in my life and I’m not going to pretend to be strong and brave and above it all, we respect that. We respect that more than we respect the career successes, we respect it more than the life achievements, the constant happy states.

We like vulnerability. It allows us to see the real you. It allows us to connect with you on a deeper level.

I got an outpouring of support after I shared my birth story and I just wanted to thank all of you who read it, commented, or e-mailed. I’m glad I did. It made me feel like I have friends all over the world who care about me and my family.

Thank you.

It’s a New May

1. I don’t know where I got the idea that I was going to be able to do the WordCount Blogathon this year, but hey, that complete-denial-of-reality thing got me this far in my career, so why not continue? So in addition to looking after my newborn, restarting work on my novel, and paying work, I’ve decided to commit to blogging every single day through the month of May. Don’t say it. No, really. Don’t say it.

2. Speaking of denying reality, I have six deadlines this week. Six. That’s one more than the number of working days. I have four deadlines next week and two already the week after that. I actually didn’t even ask for these assignments, they’ve come through editors I’ve worked with before who knew I was back to work. Having a baby? Best thing I ever did for my career. Seriously.

3. I’ve had to delay the e-course this month partly because of all this new work that’s fallen in my lap and my refusal to start until I’m absolutely one hundred per cent happy with it, but also because I’m a bit flummoxed by all the online payments stuff, which I hadn’t thought would be a problem. I’m not a huge fan of Paypal, but it seems right now to be the only most convenient and easy form of accepting payments. So until I can sort that out, I can’t start. Give me a few weeks– it’ll be worth the wait, I promise.