Where can writers go to find critique-buddies? I did find a “mentor,” who was a good writer herself really, but who shredded my self-confidence to bits. I mean, I value honest opinions, but this lady had nothing good whatsoever to say about my work! It would be nice to have your mentor say “uh-uh, this paragraph is way off the mark, but the next one will be good with a little tweaking here.” Or “your vocabulary is good.” Something nice for God’s sake! But, no, she would just nit-pick her way through my work. Now, the little self-confidence I had is gone because she didn’t say a single encouraging word about my writing. It was all about how my work was terrible etc etc. It got me thinking I should give up my writing dream forever because I was so bad!

Allow me to share an anecdote that I’ve saved for occasions just like this: Picture me, furiously typing away at my computer, writing the essay that I thought was my best work yet.

Picture me sending out the same essay to my critique group waiting for the compliments to flow in.

And then picture my shock when one brave writer said something along the lines of: I’m happy for you that you were able to put this all on paper and get it out of your system, but please, spare us the misery. Put this in your journal and forget about it. It’s crap.

You know what? He was right. Do I wish he’d told me I had a great writing style and great vocabulary and that I was going to be the best writer ever? Sure. But was his honest feedback much more helpful? Of course. I’m a professional writer and don’t need someone to hold my hand and tell me that I can write. I need someone to look at my piece objectively and tell me, honestly, whether or not it works. If it sucks, I need to trash it or rewrite it. That’s my job.

I’m not going to comment on the specifics of your situation because I don’t know your work or that other writer, and I do know that many, many people disagree with me. If you search for this topic on Google, you will come up with dozens of articles on “How to give a critique” that advise writers to balance out the positives and negatives, to say a good thing before saying a bad thing.

Why? Are we really, as a group, that sensitive that we can’t bear it when someone finds fault with our work?

Look, it’s not that I take some kind of perverse pleasure in putting someone down, but I see it this way: if you’re coming to me with a finished piece, then you already think it’s good. Why do you need me to tell you that? If it completely blows me away as some pieces do, I will say that. But by the definition of it, the fact that I’m critiquing it means that I’m trying to find flaws in it, so that you can make it better than it already is.

The problem here is ego. Writers get too attached to their words. Don’t get me wrong– negative remarks sting. Of course they do. But allowing them to cripple you makes everything you write personal, which it shouldn’t be.

I’ll make no apologies for saying this, but you cannot, simply cannot be a professional journalist or writer if you’re going to be too attached to everything you write, because if that critique group member doesn’t rip your work to shreds, that editor will. If the editor doesn’t, a reviewer will. And if by some stroke of luck, you manage to impress all of the above, there will always be the readers. Trust me, readers can be brutal. You please one, and the other one comes at you with an axe.

So, there are three thoughts I’ll leave you with:

1. It’s just one person’s opinion. If you don’t agree with it, you can ignore it. (Unless it’s an editor, in which case you get your butt in the chair and start editing.)

2. The job of a critique is to point out the flaws in your writing. If you’re specifically looking to know what works, simply ask: was there anything in this that you liked or would you just scrap it and start over?

3. Leave the ego at the door and don’t let one reader, reviewer, or editor decide the fate of your career. You need a tough skin in this business, and every rejection, negative comment or critique helps you thicken it.

Maybe that writer could have been more positive (though I’m not one to preach, my critiques are brutal) but I don’t think it needs to be expected. It’s a tough business. I would rather have someone tell me my work sucks and how to make it better before I send it out than have an editor reject it or a reader rip it apart.

Wouldn’t you?