1. Put them on your mailing lists and send them promotional material every time your friends have events in a city they no longer live in. Or worse, put them on personal mailing lists so they get your “Why Women are Better Than Men” e-mails every week, week after week.

2. When they give you an editor’s contact information, write to said editor and use their name as a reference. (Note: Editor will call them and find out that they had only shared information, not recommended you. This will work against you.)

3. Post thinly veiled critiques on your blog about how you once respected them but don’t anymore because of their usage of the word “fuck” on their blogs, and how you think it may be hurting their business. Try to then get inside their heads by analyzing why exactly they do this.

4. E-mail them to say, “I’ll trade you your Rolling Stone contact for my New Yorker contact,” get the name of their contact, and never respond to their e-mails ever again.

5. Ask them for an honest critique of your article/query letter, and when they make suggestions, respond by telling them how wrong they are and why you disagree with their suggestions.

6. Ask them what they’re working on, sell the idea to an international media group, essentially killing any chance of their story appearing in national media and when confronted, say, “But you were my inspiration! I thought you’d be pleased.”