I’m a fraud. I’m such a fraud. I write health and fitness articles and I haven’t exercised or slept properly in the last two months. I write pieces on how not to procrastinate and then I spend three hours on Blogshares. I write about getting organized and the chi in my room is huffing and puffing out of suffocation. Yeah, I’m a fraud.
This is an entry from my journal from October. For a few brief seconds, I felt the same way today. A friend and fellow writer wrote on her blog about how her success plan till today has consisted of “junk food binges, two hour phone conversations, countless hours of TV and pointless (but enjoyable) shopping sprees.” I was in total agreement with what she was saying since that’s pretty much been my modus operandi for the past two months and in a weirdish way, I was happy that I wasn’t the only writer in the universe with absolutely no motivation (hey, misery loves company!). I was in total head-bobbing state, right until she started quoting, uh, well… me.
What she quotes me as saying will come as no surprise to any of you. Challenge your limits. Break the rules. Make goals outside your comfort zone. The more that you put out there, the more will come in. These are things I’ve said several times on this very blog. And yes, till recently, I did pitch a lot, in the form of phone calls, e-mails, and meetings with editors. In fact, I’ve always been workaholic to a fault, obsessive about getting new work, and have rarely ever been broke (I saw my family fall apart after a financial crisis and resolved never to let that happen again).
But lately, I’ve been a total slacker. I haven’t felt like writing for publication, but what seemed worse is that I haven’t felt guilty about it, being perfectly happy poring my heart out in my journal, and sending 2,000-word e-mails to (semi) interested folks. Hence the feeling of wanting to stamp FRAUD on my forehead. Forget ten pitches a week, I couldn’t do one today if you paid me to. And I’d actually pay for a good idea right now.
Whatever happened to the obsessive-compulsive slave-driving Mridu who actually cared about having money in the bank? I kinda liked her.
I’m no good at the psycho-analysis, but I’m sure it has to do with the unraveling and rebuilding of my personal life. In my part of the world, majority of girls will live with their parents till they get married after which they’ll move out to live with their husband’s family. And they will get married. It’s not a choice. Fortunately, my parents have always taught me to follow my heart even if that now means I’m standing on the opposite side of the fence as them. So when I declared that I didn’t want to get married, challenged their age-old customs and decided to move out to be on my own, it was anything but pretty. To add to that, the guy I’d been dating for four years and I decided to split up.
Even though I suddenly had more writing material than ever, my response was classic: I blocked up. Needless to say, that affected my writing. I realize that this may come across as unprofessional and un-businesslike to many, but I really don’t know when (or why) it became taboo to be an artist. I very much see myself as an artist, and almost everything I write is extremely personal, coming straight from my heart. You can’t walk away from a piece of my writing not knowing a little more about the person behind the words. That, I believe, is how it is with most writers. Many people write to thank me for my honesty. Some say it’s my style. Frankly though, it’s not deliberate. I just don’t know any other way to write (I’ve tried being pretentious. Really!). Seeing how writing is such a personal part of my being, when something else inside me is aching, I do experience a breakdown in my creativity as well. Apart from the urgent work on my desk, I didn’t do anything. No new pitches. No new essays. No blog entries. No newsletters. Nothing.
But eventually the outflow of money from the bank does stop, and the bills don’t. And I’m reading my own advice and thinking, yeah, that’s what I should be doing. But more importantly, I’m realizing that even though my family’s thoroughly upset with me, my income statements aren’t anything to be particularly proud of and I’m standing in the middle of nowhere with nothing but open space all around me, I’m peaking both personally and career-wise. I can see the sky. I can make my own roads. I can dream outside my boundaries. And no one said it was easy, but no one said it was impossible either. So for once, I won’t label myself a fraud, or come down too hard on myself. I’ll use this downtime to regroup by having those food binges, passing out in front of the TV and going on pointless shopping sprees without feeling guilty. Because let’s face it, shopping never gets old.
Saturday, 11. March 2006
Hey girl,
Sounds like you’ve been through a lot lately. But you’re not alone; we’ve all been there at one time or another. Drop me a line if you feel like talking. See you on the AW and Writing in India forums.
dil se,
Simran
Saturday, 11. March 2006
Thanks for sharing this, Mridu. I think it’s something we all go through from time to time, but it always makes the rest of us feel better to have someone else say it.
It is better to rest at these times than to try to work. You won’t produce anything you are proud of if your heart isn’t in it.
Best wishes for getting your spirit back soon!
Sarah
Saturday, 11. March 2006
Hey that’s perfectly fine Mridu. Everyone goes through their own ups and downs sometime or the other. What matter most is getting out of it and living life as usual. I am sure you are capable of that
Chris.
Saturday, 11. March 2006
Dear Mridu,
Good one and I find myself doing the same at times
Sunday, 12. March 2006
I really appreciate your honesty and I agree. It is so difficult to focus or stay motivated when you are falling apart or simply feeling numb. My personal life has also been a mess. After 15 years of marriage and four kids, I awoke to a nightmare when my then-husband informed me that he was having an affair and in-love with another woman. That was almost two years ago. I never dreamed that I would become a single mom, yet here I am. Divorce is dreadful, especially for children. I turned to writing as an outlet and new career. The trouble is I feel completely pressured to be successful immediately to support my family (so far I’ve had one article published in Mothering magazine). The pressure weighs down on me, blocking my creativity. I have so much material now from these past two years (how to survive and thrive after divorce, finding new love after 40, helping kids cope with an absent father, etc.) and the truth is the worst thing that ever happened to me is turning out to be the best thing that ever happened. I have found the true love of my life now and have never been happier. The growth we must go through is painful and challenging at times, but it does make us stronger. You are in a transitional phase and will emerge better and stronger too.
Sunday, 12. March 2006
Hi Mridu,
I always enjoy your newsletters.
It makes me feel better to know that others have *down times* too. I have four short stories working, but all of them are stalled right now. I’ve made only one submission so far this year…a short short story for an anthology. It wasn’t used fort the anthology, but did get an honorable mention. Guess I just need to keep trying.
Hope you get back on track soon.
Frank
Sunday, 12. March 2006
Way to go, Mridu! The process of moving forward can only be hampered by piling on guilt - no matter what we have done or think we may have done. I found that my own life started working a whole lot better when I took Iyanla Vanzant’s (In the Meantime, Simon & Schuster, 1998) advice and forgave myself for thinking I ever did anything wrong. Sounds radical, I know, but it’s amazing what can come out of the resulting state of no-judgment.
I love the way you write, and especially the honesty that comes through in your writing. Thanks.
Monday, 13. March 2006
Good on you. I am a lot older than you and in reading your piece I too saw the sky, the open space…In fct there is a brand new open chance for a new start. Grab it and off you go, not because someone else is angry or you need to pay bills (True)
but because you want to! All else will follow as no doubt you of old already know the feeling of success.
Good Luck
To be a writer is something special an not everyone understands how we react to life
Tuesday, 14. March 2006
Is there something in the air? I have felt the same way for the past 2 months!
Tuesday, 14. March 2006
I so agree with you…This personal life crisis for girls in India is a middle way crisis…we just dont know what to do…should we rebel against parents and go our own way or should we stick by them?
For the same reasons, mentioned here, I have’nt been doing anything in writing…It is like i have put my life on hold till i get my personal life sorted out…how cheap can i get!
Wednesday, 15. March 2006
Hi Mridu,
Good piece of writing. I hope things turn out well for you.
Sonal.
Thursday, 16. March 2006
Thanks you guys! You’re the best!
Some readers sent me the following links, which are so great that I had to share:
http://www.creativity-portal.com/bc/cca/rick.benzel.html
http://www.ideachampions.com/article_romance.shtml
Thursday, 16. March 2006
Hey Mridu,
We haven’t been in contact a lot lately, but hope you are doing well. I crashed a lot like this when I was doing my theses. When I had the thesis of damocles hanging over my head though, I seemed to always find time for the little projects that took my attention away from it… like conference papers and the like. Maybe you just need a bigger deadline to avoid, and the juices will flow back!
Thursday, 16. March 2006
Brilliant idea, D! Failing which, I wouldn’t mind an all-expenses paid vacation to Paris either. I really don’t ask for much.